3 simple steps to manage your anger.
A thread...
All our emotions serve a purpose.
Anger, for instance, surfaces when a very important need of ours is not met.
On the surface it may look like that someone lied and it made you angry.
However, when we scratch the surface, we may find that we felt stupid to have believed the lie.
And feeling stupid is something you do not want to ever feel!
THAT feeling made you angry.
Not the lying.
But the feeling of feeling stupid.
You get angry whenever someone tries to control you.
Not because of the control.
Instead because you were controlled as a kid, and you hated it.
Your need to be free, is what makes you angry!
You get angry because someone picks up the phone while in a conversation.
Not because of the phone.
Instead because of your unmet need to be heard, to be respected.
You do not want to be just some random person!
How do you eliminate it?
You can't.
We can't eliminate anger.
We can only manage it.
Here is an approach that might help.
Step 1:
Recognize that you are about to get angry.
Anger is a strong emotion.
We all know how it feels.
We can all sense it even before it comes.
We just let it flow, because in that moment, we WANT to get angry.
But remember, we don't HAVE to get angry.
Step 2:
Count till ten and take deep breaths.
It sounds funny, but it works.
Calm down.
DO NOT react in that moment.
You have, already won half the battle by recognizing you are about to get angry.
You are already an observer.
Now let that anger go past you.
Meditation helps here immensely.
Meditation is like sitting by the road side watching cars go by.
Anger is one such car.
You see it, you see what’s inside, you notice its color, its speed, its make.
But you don’t stop it, or get onto it.
You simply watch it go past you.
This step takes time and practice.
There will be enough moments during the day where you will begin to feel the anger emerge.
Don't get angry.
Begin to observe it.
Start with the small incidents, where it will be relatively easier to let go of the anger.
Step 3:
Understand your anger
All anger stems from an unfulfilled need.
Uncover that need.
How?
That is a personal journal.
For some it could be through writing a journal.
For some through a conversation with themselves.
For some through therapy.
How does identifying this unfulfilled need help my anger?
Go back to where we started.
Every emotion is there to serve a purpose.
Anger’s purpose is to warn you.
And get you to defend yourself.
You realize that your unfulfilled need is surfacing.
And anger is activated.
To prepare you for it.
To make you realize that this need is unfulfilled.
And that the person opposite or this situation you are in, is provoking it.
Do something about it.
Anger is shouting at you, “DO YOU REMEMBER THAT NEED OF YOURS?”
The second you realize what that need is, anger goes, “oh cool - you remember? Awesome. I am done. I will now go back to chilling. Have a good day, you lovely.”
And anger will be gone!
A lot of you may be left thinking
"In that moment of rage, it is impossible to go through all of these steps. In that moment, you simply want to shout."
In written form, this looks like a long drawn sequence of affairs.
In reality, all of this happens in milliseconds.
The trick is: has you mind done this enough times to know what to do this time around?
Your brain is a muscle.
Just as you are not surprised anymore at how rapidly your brain brings back memories from the past to help you in the present, you won't be surprised at this either.
There is often irreparable and I would argue unnecessary damage that anger causes.
Save yourself the damage.
Save yourself the anger.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
- Buddha
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