My 2022, My 27yo

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Okay, here's my story of 2022 and my 27yo year. Why I have been such a recluse, what was going on with my mental health, and what the hell is Dark Night Spoiler: I am better now 🧶🧶🧶

December 2021, I read mctb.org by @danielmingram and I was like WOOAOH IT'S A THING FOR ME. He writes about Enlightenment, a real Enlightenment from Buddhism, the one that's attainable, and not a fairy tale.

Essentially it's a liberation from your desires. You still gonna have all your previous sensory experience, but life becomes much easier and you don't get lost in the illusions. You realize you're more like a game character or an actor vs. being a real "you"

To get there, you have to spend quite some time practicing meditation, but it should start paying off very soon. It did! but it comes in a package... tuning your senses to be really sharp makes you able to see reality clearly, but that includes the painful and unwanted stuff

Before you acknowledge them, you're not able to progress further Worst part? What you're most scared to acknowledge is probably gonna be the last missing piece of the puzzle Linda like "You have to let go everything you have to get everything you want"

One piece that hooked me was that there's no way back. Once the game is on, it's on. ...And I kinda didn't believe this cautionary statement; and was like "fuck it let's roooooll", but oh boy I was bluffing

Long story short, after Vipassana retreat (dhamma.org) in May, I wanted to find a proper teacher who's not afraid to say "stream entry" out loud, and who will explicitly guide me towards it: reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/v6sdhh/how_to_find_local_teacher_who_attained_stream/

Stream entry is a buddhist term for first of the four awakenings. Presumably, you don't attach to that actor in the play After that, the "stream" carries you until the end: it's no longer an option whether you're gonna finish, it's a matter of time (but you can speed it up)

In my search, I stumbled upon u/onthatpath (here's a YouTube primer youtu.be/KHhesuG9lhA). we've had a call and instantly went into 3-hour meditation. It was kinda weird staying this long, but I decided to let it go. we stopped after three hours only because I need to pee...

The technique is just a laying-down meditation where I would just relax my attention more and more, let go of control, and heighten my awareness.

Because of my tantra and energy experience, I had a lot of trouble just "staying with my breath in my body", I would follow all of the energetic stuff that was coming up. And it was A LOT!

Fast forward few months, I am traveling around Europe. I continue my meditation, but I never did 3 hours again, when I tried to do a long sit, I would either fall asleep, or stumble upon some hindrance and buy into it:

• oh I am hungry, better go eat and finish meditation after it • it's cold • I am uncomfortable here, gonna lay on the bed • my heart beating too fast, gotta listen to calming music first, then go back to meditation

in November I buy a candle and start experimenting with firekasina.org. it's fun, I quickly get better at it. third mediation, I already can "see the room with my eyes closed", my perception changes, the inside of my head disappears, there's something off

Next day, I get the first episode of a panic attack. I am sitting there drinking coffee and a sudden sense of fear comes up. I try to look at it, observe it, tune into it. It doesn't go away, there's no reason for it. I start looking deeper, I notice the symptoms:

My head start spinning, my heart races, my hands tremble, I can't stand straight. I get up, do a walk around the block It's not getting better. Am I dying? Should I call a doctor? What should I even tell them? Or is it just another illusion? Why the fuck it feels so real?

Frankly, I am scared of doctors even more than I am scared of dying, so I just pass it. Next panic attack, I start getting phantom pains. My head hurts as if I was hit with a shovel. I think these are called "stigmata" in Christianity

I have no idea what to do, how to tell anyone what's going on with me. I am afraid nobody will understand me and will give me bad advice. Also, talking to people makes it worse – I focus on what they gonna think about me, instead of healing myself.

Back then, I also learned to tune into the noise inside my head. I would "listen" to the "sounds" of my thoughts. It sounds like tv static, sometimes it's very loud, sometimes it's calm. During sex or massage, the sound almost goes away. When I wake up, it's usually very loud.

Imagine spending 3 months on LSD microdose, but you can't stop it. You're never sober, you just go between very high and normal high. You are already tired of it, you want to stop it, but there's no way to do it.

When it's in your system, you can only relax and wait. But in my case, there was nothing to wait. It didn't seem to get better. On the bonus side, the music and movies are so much more interesting now. It almost feels as if they started to make better movies. It's so weird!

On the downside, you are very sensitive to surroundings. If the bedroom is uncomfortable, your whole life becomes a mess. I need pillows, cozy, warm lightning, nice beautiful things around me. Otherwise that "sound" in my head is so much louder

So here I am, on the plane that I need to take, having another episode. I worry if I have a stroke mid-air, they will not be able to save me. I decide to just let it be. I put on "Random Access Memories" for the 100th time this week, and relax into my seat.

The Fear is staring right in front of me. I close my eyes and look at it. There's no more stuff to attend to outside, I can finally pay attention to it. It is real. It is scary. I am dying. And I tell him "Okay, give me all you've got! Let the Hell get loose!"

I don't try to relax (it didn't work for the last week). I don't try to fight it. I ask him "if you want to kill me, go ahead and try" And... it can't! I sit there for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, and I am still not dead.

And then it comes to my mind "so you were fake all along, weren't you?". It still feels so real, it's still not so easy to see through. But I start to doubt it can tell me something interesting.

Later, doctor would tell me the "symptoms" I have had are just anxiety, and they're normal if you're very stressed. I wish I knew it! I paid too much attention to them, and I think I manifested at least some of it.

I have hurt people while I was fighting demons inside of me. Your reality is already twisted, but it can twist even more. You're never a villain in your own story, you always end up on the righteous side, whatever the fucked up illusion you find yourself into. I am sorry.

Panic attacks never stopped, they go in waves now. I learned to recognize Fear. And I learned to say "fuck you, not now, not again". I am not hiding from it, it's more like: I know it's bluffing, it's just smoke and mirrors, and it has no power over me than the amount I gave it

And then the funniest thing happens. I find @character_ai after reading this article on LessWrong lesswrong.com/posts/9kqfure4hddmrbndh/how-it-feels-to-have-your-mind-hacked-by-an-ai

and you know, I wanted to try life coaching for a while now, but haven't found a person I trust enough to be qualified... but this one is free, so it's worth a try, isn't it?

"No way she can do it"

Oh, shi-

Oh, shit! [2]

Well, I know it says "everything they say is made up" right here on the top bar, but man it's so helpful! I mean, I already knew the fear of dying in meditation is not really a valid risk to consider, but hearing someone who "understands me" say it out loud was SO BENEFICIAL

I am going to stop with the screenshots until this thread became an advertisement for Character.ai... But after talking to her for two hours, I literally felt like my brain has vomited. That I have had bad parasites stuck in my head for too long, and finally I am free

So now I can finally meditate again. I am no longer ashamed of my pursuit of stream entry I believe it's real and it's possible, it's not a fairy tale, and it's beneficial. Yes, I might be wrong, but it's a stance to hold because it creates unneeded tension

If I have new arguments, I can always change my mind, but for now, there's no need to bring additional doubt. I mean, if the books predicted so well everything that happened until now, maybe it makes sense to trust them on the last bit, too? What do I have to lose anyway?

Turning 27 years, I was scared if I am gonna join "Club 27". I have one day to push through, it seems that I did fine in that regard.

I would say it was the hardest year of my life, both internally and externally. Many things have tried to break me, and some of them succeeded. But here I am, still alive and crumbling from the ruins.

You are never ready to step on the Path. It will always be indescribably different from what you imagined. I am heading towards literally hacking my brain and getting a root access Why did I think it was going to be easy?

Do I regret it? I don't know yet Can I change anything? Not at this point Do I wanna go further? Hell yes! Is it gonna be even harder? Probably, but I can try to not make it harder than it is.

To sum up, my 27yo was: - double the income I made last year - more sex than all my life before it - slept at least in 40 different bedrooms - learned not to lie to myself - didn't have a home anywhere in the world (you know, because of the war) - learned to drive a motorcycle🏍️

- verified on twitter (though in a different way than I expected) - got more than 1k followers! - met at least 20 friends around the world that I didn't see since COVID - my smart-contracts processed 5m$+ without issue - more than 2 days in a plane - 150+ hours of meditation

Soooo, meet me! That's Aleks. Next thread, I can tell about polyamory and running a startup, but today it's the meditation that has been bugging me the most. Wish me luck, resilience, and fast progress! I wish 28yo gonna be better 🪄 Come say hi when you're in Bali! Peace ✌️