“Ursa” is a survivor who alleges Christopher Lapeyre abused his power as a teacher and mentor to groom her while she was a minor and manipulate her into a sexual relationship with him when she was 18 years old.
🧵 contains excerpts.
Full story here: acnatoo.org/diocese-of-the-upper-midwest/ursas-story
Note: Ursa wants to share her story out of concern for any past, present, or future victims, as well as to corroborate the account of “Clarke,” who alleges Christopher Lapeyre groomed her shortly after Ursa’s alleged abuse took place: acnatoo.org/diocese-of-the-upper-midwest/clarkes-story
“I was 15 when I first walked into Christopher Lapeyre's classroom. I was 17 when he told me that he loved me. Soon after I turned 18, we entered a relationship that would leave me traumatized and ashamed. Christopher was 38. My pseudonym is ‘Ursa.’ This is my story.”
“Sometime in the spring of my junior year, I found myself alone with Christopher after school and started talking about the issues I was experiencing with my parents. I broke down crying. He watched and consoled me, and for the first time, I felt validated by an adult.
“I don't remember the words we exchanged, but I remember his worried expression. When I left the school that evening, I felt a new bond had formed. I knew Mr. Lapeyre was on my side.”
“A few of my classmates noticed the special attention that Mr. Lapeyre gave me and approached me about it. I brushed them off, secure that Mr. Lapeyre had the best of intentions. He was like a coworker, boss, mentor, father, friend, and teacher, all in that order.
“It seemed like he understood what he was to me, and with his implied approval, I didn't feel the need to explain it to my peers.”
“And I remember at one point thinking it strange when he lay on my bed while we talked, but I didn't want him to leave, necessarily. It felt intimate. No one else knew we were there, alone in that small dorm room, door closed.”
“I don’t remember what we talked about on the car ride home, but I remember the long hug he gave me before I went inside. I could tell there was something more to it. I didn’t assign it any ill intent…
“…but I started to get the feeling then that my interactions with him weren’t enough for him, that there was something missing. I wondered if it was all in my head.”
“The relationship started to stress me out as I felt pressure coming from his direction. I would tell myself that he was just being an overbearing dad, and that I just didn't know what a normal father/daughter relationship looked like.
“I reminded myself about the day I cried to him at the school, how he was there for me without even really knowing me. That event had moved me, shaping the trust I had in him.
“Although he was no longer my teacher, I figured he was still teaching me how to be a good person, so I dismissed the inklings of discomfort as my own lack of life experience.“
“I didn't know what I was doing to make him keep fixating on me, and I felt deficient and guilty for not being thrilled to receive this gift. As I prepared to leave for college, however, I didn't have the time to initiate a conversation about our relationship—nor did I know how.
“So, outwardly, I pretended things were fine and kept up with our frequent texting. Then, five days before move-in day at college, while texting, he revealed in no uncertain terms that he was in love with me.”
“We checked in with each other at all times of day with chats, texts, emails, and calls. He began to open up to me about his depression, his mother's illness, his marriage, and the ways in which he was trying to get over me.
“Not knowing exactly how to console someone about such issues, I reflected back his lessons in sympathy by mirroring his tone and asking encouraging questions. I took his heartfelt confessions as a signal of his deep trust in me.“
“The relationship contorted as our conversations got more and more intimate. He shared details about his marriage that he said he'd never told anyone else…
In one conversation, he asked about my exposure to porn and sex on the internet as I grew up.“
“Next to my car, Christopher pulled me into a tight embrace under the streetlamps. He held me for a long time before he kissed me, right there in the open parking lot.
“I don't remember how long we stayed like that, or if we talked more before he went home to his family. But that night I journaled a single word: ‘Affair.’”
“The memories of these encounters are painful for me to relive, but most unforgettable is the first night he saw me undressed. We were video chatting one late night in December. Christopher sank into a different demeanor as the conversation turned sexual.
“He told me to take off my shirt, which I did. He told me to remove my bra, which I did. Through the computer screen, his gaze actualized the feeling I’d sensed in him for so long: the feeling that he wanted something from me.
“And when it was finally in front of him, I didn't feel like me. It was as if he was looking at me through a lens of his previous imaginations.
“While he took in the view of my body, I thought about the origins of our relationship. I felt intuitively that this was not the right outcome for a man who stepped into my life as a father figure. To then know I was satisfying him in a way I’d never wished for…
“…while at the same time genuinely enjoying his attention and approval—it was terribly confusing. Realizing that he must have thought of me sexually before that night, I again questioned the entire relationship, and wondered if it had ever been truly innocent.
“Despite the confusion, I continued, partly in order to fulfill the fantasy, and because it seemed like the only thing to do in the moment. I had been 18 for less than three months at that point.”
“Christopher reportedly told Mark Rivera, a Fr. Stephen, who he’d recently spent time with at a @churchrez retreat, and two of his other adult friends (including an ex-girlfriend).
“Recounting some of these conversations to me, he described how understanding they were while gently encouraging him to let me go.”
“It seemed like he was surrounded by priests and other adults at @churchrez and elsewhere who didn’t necessarily see our relationship as problematic, and in fact saw merit in his feelings.
“I was naïvely grateful that he was able to talk about this to anyone at all, as he had portrayed himself as being trapped in his feelings with no outlets. Meanwhile, I was pushing away my loved ones to keep this secret, including my best friends, who told me to just leave.“
“I don’t know why I agreed to go over. He had me shower as soon as I arrived and use his soap to cover my scent. Much of that night is a blur, but I remember him looking me straight in the eyes as he pulled off his wedding ring before we had sex in his children’s playroom.
“I blocked out memories of this night for nearly ten years.
After we had sex, the illusion of Christopher’s love for me was broken somewhat. I couldn’t shake how prepared he was for me, that night at his house…
“…his ushering me right to the shower, that look when he took off his wedding ring, and the condom he had ready, how he jokingly told me about his cleanup efforts after I left. It clashed with his adamant swearing that he had never done anything like this before.”
“This turmoil made 2012 the worst year of my life. I engaged in more self-destructive behaviors and acted out in strange ways to exorcize the resentment, hatred, betrayal, self-loathing, shame, guilt, and fear caused by our relationship.
“Finding myself without adult guidance once again, I kept turning to him. I was needy as I sought his wisdom on how to move forward, and feebly hoped he might still be my mentor.
“Although he apologized to me numerous times, it did little to undo the confusion and pain I now harbored. I didn’t even understand why I felt so much pain. I told myself to suck it up since I had voluntarily entered and ended the relationship.
“He spun his narrative of us into apology letters that I internalized. I read them over and over, comprehending the words but not feeling any more at peace.
“I told myself I probably just wouldn’t understand his letters until I was older. I told that to myself every year for the next nine years.“
“Over the next two years, our communication dwindled. It wasn’t until he emailed in December 2014 to tell me that he was being investigated by the high school for an inappropriate relationship with his student aide that the pieces came together.
“He was quick to clarify that there was nothing to find, but I once again felt betrayed. I had worried greatly for his students, particularly his student aides, who had all been female.
“He had assured me numerous times that he would never engage with another student the same way he did with me, and yet, I thought, there had to be a basis for an investigation.
“Soon after, I received calls from DCFS and the police asking for interviews about Christopher. They hounded me, so I reluctantly agreed to sit down for separate interviews. I told them the truth. I purposefully left out details that I knew would result in real consequences…
“…like the fact that we had a sexual encounter at the high school. I begged them not to take away his kids and insisted he was a great dad. After these interviews, I was never contacted again by either authority, which cemented the blame I placed on myself.
“I held onto this shame until discovering the connection between Christopher and the allegations against Mark Rivera in 2021, and started to learn the terminology: Manipulation. Grooming. Abuse of power.
“Christopher’s actions completely altered my developing sense of self in ways that still affect me today. He was my teacher and mentor at an age where I needed guidance and support that I did not receive at home.
“He saw the effects of that lack firsthand, that very first day I cried to him after school. He then helped me to identify my passions and provided encouragement in a way no other adult had.
“I became confident and trusting, largely due to his mentorship. As his behavior became grooming, he easily influenced my teenage self into entering a relationship with him.
“Then by asserting my agency was equal to his—at an age where I couldn’t possibly understand the ramifications of entering a relationship with a man 20 years my senior—Christopher ensured I would not trust myself again. Not for a long time.
“He insisted that his needs were emotional and did not fixate on his sexual gratification, even showing disdain when I spoke crudely about sex. So when he did start to express sexual desire for me…
“…it caused immense distress and splitting as I fought to keep that boundary, then conceded. It was the only way he could remain in my life emotionally. These are concessions that no one—much less a teenager—should ever make.
“As a result of Christopher’s choice to reveal his “love” to me instead of seeking counseling, I carry a deep mistrust at the core of each new relationship I forge, both personal and professional.
“Following the relationship, I saw myself become cold and withdrawn as I avoided connecting with others.
“Abusers do not exist in a vacuum. Christopher groomed me in his professional capacity while teaching high school, conscious that I had barely any insight into his church life. His close circle contained other adults at church who validated him with their complicity.
“I never had to step into @churchrez or COLA to be permanently affected by the silence of Fr. Stephen, Mark Rivera, and the other friends who knew about the relationship while it was happening.”
“Without having awareness of it, grooming can be difficult to identify because the discrete actions don’t always look suspicious in the moment. Much of Christopher’s actions to me were easy to excuse as well-intentioned or even helpful at the time…
“…but all put together, the favoritism, boundary-breaking, and manipulation is clear. Only after connecting with other survivors of grooming have I been able to understand his behavior toward me for what it is: a pattern.”
“I am telling my story now to describe some of the signs of grooming as well as the short- and long-term harm on the victims, and to break the cycle of complicit actors in Christopher’s abuse of teenagers and young adults under his guidance, especially after learning that…
“…his grooming behaviors allegedly did not stop with me. If there is anyone else who has been groomed by Christopher, it is my hope that they can begin to identify his abuse as such and feel empowered to reclaim themselves from his influence.”
“To anyone who has experienced grooming by someone who held power over you: please know that it was never your responsibility to make the right decisions. It was always theirs.”
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